David S. Goyer takes another step towards the worst Hollywood director award with The Unborn

Oh dear. Poor Odette Yustman has only gone and killed her twin brother with her own umbilical cord. The dead foetus has now come back from the dead as the reincarnated spirit of some other dead twin, and is now hell bent on making Odette’s life miserable. Can Rabbi Gary Oldman save her life, Father Karras-style, with a much needed exorcism? I think that’s the story. It’s something along those lines anyway. It doesn’t matter, you will have switched it off long before Oldman makes it to the screen. Don’t worry, he looks as miserable to be there as you’ll be feeling after watching this piece of crap.

The weirdest thing about David S. Goyer’s “The Unborn” is not its supernatural subject matter or that it calls the Regan character a dybbuk, it’s the fact it isn’t based on a east-Asian original. Unfortunately for an unsuspecting audience, Goyer has simply based it on his favourite American horror movies. “The Unborn” is basically two well-known and much better movies. It’s firstly Stephen King’s “The Dark Half” and secondly William Friedkin’s “The Exorcist”. You’ll be hurtling popcorn at the screen when the film simply rips scenes straight out of these movies. The silly spider walk may cause those who haven’t seen the longer cut of “The Exorcist” to just laugh at the stupidity of it. Everyone else will sign deeply at the total lack of originality.

“The Unborn” has only one saving grace – a scantily clad Odette Yustman prancing about the place in between attacks from the ‘other side’ - and it’s hardly something to recommend the film with.

Strange Conversation says: 1/10

Tom Cruise is the American English-speaking German in Bryan Singer's Valkyrie

It must be hard making a tension-filled thriller when the audience knows what’s going to happen in the end. That was the task given to the once wonder-child Bryan Singer (the guy that gave us the brilliant “Usual Suspects”) whose career has, in this reviewer’s eyes, tailed off into commerciality over quality. A string of Superhero hits has gone to the head of Singer, and while talented writer and friend Christopher McQuarrie pens new film “Valkyrie”, Singer’s endeavour into the true story of Claus von Stauffenberg’s attempted assassination of Adolf Hitler is a laboured and dull affair.

The film follows the exploits of Stauffenberg’s disillusioned army lieutenant who has reservations (to say the least) about Hitler’s Germany. After losing his right hand, his left eye, and several fingers on his left hand in a bombing raid by allied fighter planes, he joins an underground resistance movement made up of high-level army personnel and civilians. They decide they must assassinate Hitler and assume control of the government. They can then enter into a truce with the allies and end the war.

The first thing that must be said is these conspirators were brave souls who put their lives on the line to end the war and Hitler’s regime. It is also an important historical story, just as it is an example of human courage. But it is also an American movie made for western audiences. It stinks of hypocrisy. It takes its audience as an ignorant mass, incapable of believing Germany’s population during World War II could harbour any thoughts beyond Nazi doctrine and a hatred for all non-Aryans. That’s the film’s central conceit: it says – did you know, believe it or not, there were some people in Germany who didn’t throw stones at the Jews.

I was constantly thrown out of the movie by the chosen language and accents of the actors. Fair enough, telling the film entirely in German with either little known German actors or American/British actors speaking the native tongue of the country, isn’t commercially viable. But, Singer has his actors speaking English in what appears to be their own accent. What we get are Americans and Brits, dressed up in Nazi uniform, speaking English in American and British accents, telling the story of one of Germany’s most powerful anti-Nazi uprisings. It threw me out of the movie. Christian Berkel, a German by birth who plays Quirnheim in the film, does give us something of his roots in his English diction, but again, it gives the story a false sense of insecurity. There’s a congregation of different accents that neither place you here or there. Are we in Germany (as the uniforms would suggest), or are we in a Cornish English town or the American mid-west?

The film starts sluggishly but its best moments occur in the first half when the conspirators are building their army and deciding on the course of action. Tom Cruise is serviceable in the role of Stauffenberg but it’s only a version of his Ethan Hunt character from “Mission: Impossible”. Singer’s control of the main assassination attempt is good – it’s fast paced and hectic – but little additions such as Cruise nearly being caught at the guard post after delivering the bomb remind you that you are watching a piece of Hollywood entertainment.

“Valkyrie” has an important story to tell. It’s a story of courage and pro-action. But it’s a hypocritical film that gives its audience little respect. These brave men (and women) should be remembered, but for the right reasons. We don’t need a glossy, Hollywood product to tell us not all of Germany was ‘bad’ during the war. Or perhaps, more saddening, Hollywood has cottoned on to the fact we do.

Strange Conversation says: 3/10

New Alien film "Alien Harvest" script leaked

See how the finished film turned out here! And join in the discussion as we look forward to Prometheus II.

More on Top10Films

The new Alien movie - Alien Harvest, as it is known in its script form - has seen its script, by writer Jon Spaihts, leaked on the internet. The script - a character-driven film set a few years before the original Alien film - is currently in pre-production with Ridley Scott is the director's chair. To read the script follow this link: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/4083772/24549638-Alien-Harvest.pdf

Anyone for a game of 8-Ball Pool?

On Monday nights I play 8-ball pool for the local pub team. This week we faced a team one place below us in the league. We knew we had to win to give us any chance of being promoted from the second to the first division this season.

The format of team pool in this league is: each team has six players, each player plays one singles match and one doubles match. The score is then decided on a best-of nine frames.

It was 4-2 to us when it came to my singles game. If I won, we won the match, and took the two bonus points on offer. However, as I was about to break I realised I was playing the other team's best player. I broke off and didn't pot anything. He came to the table, potted four yellows, and then miraculously missed. I had a chance...

I had awkward balls all over the place. I started by taking a fairly simply red into the bottom left pocket, leaving me nicely positioned to attack one of two red balls stuck tight to the bottom rail. I knew if I potted the first I would be nicely on the second. I rolled the first in perfectly, and did the same with the other. 3 down...5 to go.

I was again nicely positioned on a red ball into the bottom right pocket but I also had a chance to either pot or leave another one of my balls over the middle, hopefully blocking one of my opponents yellow balls. However, I knew it was a difficult shot. The angle was very tight, the pot would probably miss, and if I didn't cover the middle pocket, I knew my opponent would clear up and win. So I decided instead of playing safe, I would go for the win...

I potted my fourth red ball into the bottom right pocket with top and right-hand side to bounce the cue ball off the cushion up into the middle of the table. This gave me a choice of either one ball into the middle, or one down the left rail. I took the ball into the middle pocket with a little screw and left myself straight on the ball down the left cushion. I knew if I potted it I would leave a difficult double into the middle - the double would be the ball I was a few moments earlier contemplating potting in the opposite middle pocket. 5 down...three to go.

I played the red ball down the cushion and it went in. I didn't think twice, I just got down and played the double, knowing I'd be near the black ball with a chance to pot it. The double was a 50/50 shot but it was on...

...I played the shot, and watched as the ball hit the cushion and started its motion back towards me. The ball went in, I had a chance to finish. 7 down...1 to go.

I could have taken the black into the middle pocket but it was thin. I knew if I took the slightly more difficult shot into the top left corner I could screw the cue ball back towards the cushion, and, if I missed the black, leave my opponent a much tougher shot.

I played the black...as I watched it head off along the length of the table I realised I'd played it with more pace than I had meant to. But it potted...the frame was mine!

We went on to win 7-2.

Catherine Mary Stewart talks about classic 80s sci-fi The Last Starfighter

Remember those lightweight fantasy films from the 1980s that took the Star Wars blueprint and essentially copied it for a young audience in awe of space adventure and video games?

If not let me jog your memory with a few storylines - guess the film. No. 1 - a video game expert is transported into his own game to play against the evil baddie he created. No. 2 - three children dream of a galaxy far, far away, eventually building a spaceship out of a scrapped fairground ride. No. 3 - an ace video game player is recruited by aliens to play the game for real in outer space.

Do you have the answers? The first one is of couse "Tron", the second is "Explorers", and the third is the film Strange Conversation is pointing its nostalgia stick out today - "The Last Starfighter".

"The Last Starfighter" appeared in 1984, directed by Nick Castle. The film is noted, alongside "Tron" for being one of the first to use computer-generated imagery. The original "Star Wars" trilogy used stop-motion techniques. The film, strangely, was turned into a off-Broadway musical a few years ago. One of the film's co-stars Catherine Mary Stewart (who was also in some other great 80s films such as "Weekend at Bernies"), who plays Maggie in the film, recently talked to Natsukashi about her role, and why it became such a popular film in the 1980s. Check out the podcast here.

Max Payne-ful

Mark Wahlberg has made the conscious acting decision to play Mark Wahlberg. He’s gone from Dirt Diggler in Paul W. Anderson’s Boogie Nights to Mark Wahlberg in Three Kings, Planet of the Apes, and The Perfect Storm. He was reserved, quiet Mark Walhberg in The Happening. He was tough Mark Walhberg in Four Brothers. Now he’s pissed-off Mark Walhberg in Max Payne.

And that’s only part of the problem with Max Payne.

The visuals are nice to look at. The contrasting light and graphic novel ambience give the film an authentic, grungy film noir look. It’s also quick-paced, edited with kinetic energy, and the action sequences are neatly choreographed. But, I’ve seen bullet-time before, I’ve seen guns (lots and lots of guns) before, I’ve even seen jumping in the air and firing said guns. Do we need to see it again? With Mark Wahlberg no less?

Based on the video game of the same name, Mark Walhberg is a disgruntled cop out to get the person or persons responsible for murdering his wife. It’s the classic revenge set-up but it’s handled in such a predictable way you’ll know exactly whodunit within the first twenty minutes. It’s also borrowed heavily from The Manchurian Candidate, bringing together it’s sub-plot of drugged, fearless soldiers with the murder-mystery haphazardly. You can never totally immerse yourself in the character of Max Payne because you know you’re watching Walhberg flex his muscles for a hefty paycheque. This isn’t Bruce Willis as John McClane. Max Payne just doesn’t have the charisma to draw you in, and neither, sadly, does Mark ‘Muscles for Hire’ Walhberg.

Strange Conversation says: 2/10

Zack and Miri Make a (Bad) Porno

We all know Kevin Smith likes to look himself up on the internet. His geek-critics then come in for some stick in his movies. Here's a quote that Kevin should be able to understand: "Zack and Miri Make a Porno is f****** lowest denominator sh*te. It's predictable, poorly plotted, badly scripted, and features several painfully life-changing shots of Jason Mewes' ass, cock and balls. Please cut off my penis, boil my balls, and saute the whole thing before force-feeding it to me with a nice glass of jizz-shake and a handful of salty nuts rather than make me watch this complete waste of life minutes again."

Okay, that’s an over-exaggeration but it gives you an idea of where this film is coming from. It’s made for a very specific audience, and it’s certainly not in the same mould as the director’s more restrained effort “Jersey Girl”. Here Zack and Miri are two friends who live together in an apartment that has just had its power and water cut off because they failed to pay the bills. Meeting a couple of gay porn actors (as you do) at a just-so-convenient high school shindig (one of which is Justin Long in a brilliant cameo), the two happen upon the idea of shagging each other on camera to make money.

Ultimately, the film is about two close friends the audience know are made for each other but who have failed to cotton on to the idea themselves. It’s obvious from the get-go so the story relies on its characters and the comedy to keep you from twenty winks. And at times the film is funny – in a crude, nonsensical way. But you can’t really like these characters too much because they are so dumb. They are broke yet spend money on an overtly elaborate porn film with sets, costumes, and lighting. With perennial dick-stroker Zack (Seth Rogan), whose knowledge of current sex industry trends includes the purchase of the ‘Fleshlight’ for added self-gratification, you’d think they’d realise that expensive set-dressed cinematic sex is soooo-1970s. For two completely broke individuals wanting to make porn in the 21st century things couldn’t be easier or cheaper. In fact, they wouldn’t even need a camera. They could simply record a few minutes of reality-porn on a camera-phone! They even miss a trick with Miri’s granny-pants video receiving 200,000 hits less than an hour after going online. Stick some google ads on there and they’ll have no trouble paying next month’s rent bill.

“Zack and Miri Make a Porno” is crude, predictable, and made for a very distinct audience. Unlike Smith’s View Askew universe, these characters don’t have the vitality of his earlier work, and the film suffers for it.

Strange Conversation says: 3/10